Last summer, I faced a moral crisis. I was convinced I was not a good person and the truth pained me. For days, I cried about it (hiding it as best I could from my husband and kids). I don't know if this particular downward spiral was the result of a darkness (mild depression?) or loneliness brought about by COVID - regardless of how it happened, I knew I had been fooling myself if I believed I was nice, kind, or good.
You see, I had begun to question our obsession with germs and disease. We all want to live to be a healthy age (and even better if we can enjoy it), but what if some of us...shouldn't? I mean, what if some of us are meant to die? What if protecting ourselves and quarantining and wearing masks is simply delaying the inevitable: that some of us are just meant to die.
It's a terrible thing to say, I know, and a horrific opinion to have given most people in our country have lost a parent, friend, relative, or a child to COVID, often times from no fault of their own. Sometimes the most cautious people are the ones who end up in the hospital on a ventilator, without family or friends by their side. Certainly I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it seemed I already had.
Do you see the position I was in? I tried to reason it out. The world had so many people already that really, would She miss the 350,000 souls who were already gone? Maybe losing millions of people around the world to COVID isn't such a bad thing. Obviously, this logic is callous and cruel - even if the Earth doesn't miss the dead, someone who is still living will.
I wanted so badly to believe it wasn't true, but the more I searched for situations which would contradict my position, the more I realized I was an asshole. My voice was louder than a Fox news anchor, my opinions free-flowing, my comments rude, and my judgement swift. I apologized for nothing.
Therefore, I had to admit I was an asshole. It pained me to do so. I hated myself for being a rotten, evil person with such a disregard for human life. I did not want to be this person. I wanted to be a good person, a kind person, but I had a lot of learning to do. I didn't know where to start.
Fast-forward many months, to Yule. We always make Yule Resolutions, instead of New Year's Resolutions. It feels more natural, somehow. Anyway, I have decided that I want to actively be less judgmental. I want to practice more patience instead of making snap comments. I want to listen more and talk less. It hasn't been easy (I'm finding myself falling into the same traps), but I'm committed to making the attempt. So, as of right now, I am still an asshole. And I am surprisingly okay with it.
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