Many of us hope that 2021 would be a game changer, like turning on a light switch. Out with 2020, bring on 2021! Sadly, I can say with certainty that if the beginning of this year is any indication, then 2021 will be no better than last year.
Like nearly everyone (I say nearly because surely there were some people out there who didn't mind quarantining and Zoom meetings and wearing pajamas on the bottom and a nice blouse on top), I found myself toppled from a pretty good place to a fucking nightmare. I was not alone, but so lonely. I didn't go to the gym. I couldn't travel. I didn't volunteer. I found myself trapped to the endless responsibilities of mom, teacher, personal assistant, cook, chauffeur, and so on. I did (and still do) insane amounts of dishes and am the only person in the house who prescribes to the "clean as you go" mentality. To escape, I played video games instead of doing something productive like writing or quilting. I read about people who were actually thankful, grateful even, that their families were close. Not me. I like my family at a distance. I appreciate them more when they are.
But then, I got the news. My dad, who lives thousands of miles away (along with the rest of my immediate family), has a malignant tumor of the esophagus. My mom told me yesterday, even though she had known for at least five days. Five fucking days passed before anyone bothered to tell me. Maybe they didn't want me to worry, they didn't want to spoil my New Year's - I don't know. Maybe they didn't mean it to be a slight or think that it would upset me as much as it does. All I do know is that I feel so, so isolated and alone.
And maybe it is my fault that I didn't call or write as much as I should have. Maybe it is my fault that I didn't take the time to make that effort. But I did try. I played online video games with my family. I called on holidays. I even called my aunts (but none called me back). I organized an RPG game for my kids, my nieces, and nephew. But still, no one bothered to tell me.
As much as this post seems to be a pity party, it isn't. Since I found out about my dad's condition last night, I've been trying to process how to move forward, rationally and intentionally. On my morning walk with my husband, under the branches caked with hoarfrost, I thought about the message here.
So what did flipping the light switch reveal?
1. My dad's condition is not a death sentence. They need to conduct more tests and with treatment, he could live for a long time yet. I have to be patient and I must be involved even from thousands of miles away.
2. My mom did not mean to hurt me when she blathered on about how much fun she had on Christmas with the rest of the family. She was trying to share her own joy with me.
3. My family are good people. My husband is supportive, my kids are smart and (fairly) well adjusted. We are bound to have some kinks within the household. And that's okay. We will work through them.
4. Finally, with the quarantine and my dad's condition, I need to remind myself that I may not like what's happening around me, I may not want what's happening to be happening, but I need to accept that it is going to happen regardless and then GO FORWARD.
I need to go forward.
I have neglected this blog. For a long time, it was like a journal - a mostly happy journal - where I posted all the fun things I did, the places I traveled, and reflections on life. Now, however, I am finding myself needing it again, but in a different capacity. Writing is a way for me to work through the world around me. I write fiction, science fiction specifically, but I need to return to the source. In order to progress, I need to return to this blog.
The only questions I will be asking, at least for the next little while - are: how am I feeling? What am I working through? What have I observed? What can I change? What can't I change? What can I accept? What can I not accept? What can I do?
In light of this realization, I am hoping to write more here. A little bit of honesty to combat the fantasy I usually concoct. Maybe not everyday (I can't lock myself in like that), but often enough.
PS - I apologize in advance, dear reader, if you wanted a cute story about my kids or a recipe or a motivating word. I don't have any to spare and besides, it would be a bit hypocritical. I acknowledge those stories are nicer than my blog journey at the present. There's a time and a place for them, and they will return, rest assured. Until then, please consider reading - for no other reason that to enjoy the madness that has become my life.
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