The funny thing about emotions is that they can change in an instant. A situation in which you feel no control can suddenly turn, leaving you refreshed and happy.
I've spent the last few days talking to my family about my dad's condition. I've talked to my dad about his condition. In light of everything that has been shared, I've decided that I need to go back to Alaska and spend some time with him. My sister and her husband are leaving for Florida in a couple weeks. What better time to do it then? I won't be bringing my family so I can commit to spending time with my dad during the day when he'd otherwise be alone. We're going to interview him about his life. We're going to sort and label family pictures. We're going to get him caught up on his taxes. It seems a good solution and I feel lighter because of it.
But, of course, as I indicated in my last entry, that means a whole lot of prep. The state of Alaska is requiring all this stuff before you travel into the state. So now, I have to get a ticket, but before that, I have to schedule a COVID test, but I can't take the test more than three days before I travel. I have to get the results in writing. I'll still have to quarantine when I get there...
These hoops and hurdles remind me of the security measures put in place after 9/11. It was a hassle, a bother to take off my shoes. To take out my laptop. To remove my jacket. To go through the metal detector. Then retrieve all of my stuff and find an empty bench to put it all back on. It's funny how a past event can remind you of a completely different situation.
So, I've turned the corner into a better place (in one sense) and a worse place (in another). I am safe in my ignorance here - I have no way of knowing exactly how my dad is doing, but when I arrive, I will know. I will be confronted with the extent of his condition. I will have to face it head on because there will be no way to avoid it. What will I find? What will how I cope with it have to say about me? How will I come to terms with death and dying? What will happen to me as I watch my dad's health degrade?
I've almost died three times in my life, but dealing with a loved one dying is another beast entirely. There's an emotional attachment you don't expect. I know full well that death is a part of life and that we're all going to die, eventually. What's so hard is working through the emotions that come with the realization of this fact.
My dad's health is not great. He is going to die.
I can ignore it. I can pretend it won't happen. But the plain, disheartening truth is that someday he will die and I will miss that man's phone calls at 5am. I will miss his political rants. I will miss his mismatched clothing and his coffee-stained t-shirts. I will miss his history lessons in the car on our frequent road trips. Most of all, I will miss knowing that he'd be there whenever I needed him.
Shit. I'm crying and I need to call my mom this morning to work out details regarding my flight.
Get a grips. He's not dead yet.
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