I love my mom, I really do. But at the same time, I hate my mom with a blinding passion. She's made many mistakes (I won't go into them now), but these situations she's found herself in make it very difficult for me to trust her.
I also realize, however, that despite all the flaws in my parents' marriage, they've been together for a long time. They obviously care for one another, even if the love is gone. This much was made clear last night when my mom started getting teary-eyed talking about Dad's condition on her way out the door. Blythe and I stood there, listening to her babble and at that moment, instead of feeling cold rage, I reached out to her. I smoothed out her hair. I reassured her that we were all worried about Dad and that we'd all be there for him - and her. I hope she left feeling better.
It's taken me a long time to get to this point - to be able to begin to forgive. I readily admit I'm not quite there yet (I'm still constantly sorting my feelings and there's still a great deal I'm angry about), but during our marathon Gab Fest, Blythe revealed that she felt the same way. She loved Mom, but she harbored a dislike for her, too. She didn't like her constant criticism of Dad. She thought Mom's tears last night were disingenuous and was surprised I'd been able to reach out to her at all. There was a part of me that was surprised, too.
If there's one thing I've learned from my dad's illness, it's that we don't have enough time for grudges. We don't have enough time to hold onto the anger and the frustration we feel toward other people. They are going to do whatever they want to do - we can express our displeasure, but we have absolutely no control. We do, however, have control over ourselves. We can be the bigger person. We can start to forgive people when they don't know any better. With the Christmas fiasco out of the way (I hate Christmas so, so much and my hatred of the holiday often clouds logic) and being in the middle of family again, I feel as though I am able to understand what's happening, one step at a time. I'm not ready to make a giant leap, but I am trying to at least be sympathetic to Mom, even if I have trouble empathizing with her.
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