Today was my birthday. I know birthdays are supposed to be happy and fun, but this one really drained me. I expected it to - no surprises. Gloria, the lucky birthday girl, ate Gilles's ice cream. I got taxes and a cancer consultation.
The morning was spent entering 2019's capital gains and losses into H&R Block's tax program (which, in case you want to know, is a horrendous program - you'd do better wrestling with your own taxes). Mom called a local radio station and entered me into a birthday contest. I was the only call-in with a birthday today and won some tulips from Bagoy's. The catch? I had to pick them up.
She wanted to come over tonight. I said tomorrow would be better. I think she was disappointed, but I knew I wouldn't be in the mood for company tonight. (Turns out I was right.)
Dad and I went to his consultation in the afternoon which went surprisingly well. I thought I'd have a tough time pulling myself together, but it went just fine. I drove my nephew to work and then drove to Bagoy's to pick up my flowers, which were...not there. The radio station had not called and therefore, the flowers were not available, not yet. A kind gesture had turned into a plastic hassle and by that point in the day, I just wanted to be back at my sister's house, eating one and a half slices of chocolate ice cream cake and working my way through a bottle of wine before cooking noodles and mushrooms for dinner. (Yes, you read that right. Get off my back, it's my birthday.)
I cried for no good reason. Between texts from my husband and my sister, one of my students called. He wanted to check in on me and get an update on my dad. I was reminded about what a privilege it is to be able to leave this country and come back whenever you want. His own mother had health issues last year. He wanted to go see her, but was unable to, not without great cost. He impressed upon me that I was a good person for being here for my dad and I had a hard time keeping it together because what kind of fucking horrible country would make it impossible for someone to return after they've left to care for their SICK MOTHER?
Blythe suggested I have my friend Naomi over. I told her I needed a moment to process everything that happened today. A moment to collect myself so that I could emerge stronger tomorrow. She understood.
My husband poured a shot of bourbon for himself because "I shouldn't be drinking alone."
I drank three glasses of wine. I took a bath. Then my mom called, wanting to know Dad's chemo schedule. (They don't talk to each other. They don't communicate. So she has to call me to ask.) I gave her the details and told her she should sit in when I tell Blythe and Becky about Dad's treatment, if she wanted to, though there wasn't much more to tell her at that point.
To be fair, it wasn't a terrible birthday. It sounds like it was, but it wasn't. I am grateful to have had so many people check in on me today, especially since I was emotionally drained by the end of it. It reminds me that friendship works both ways.
I'm in bed wondering how often do I reciprocate? Do I need to make more of an effort? How can I be an active friend?
Was that my problem with 2020 all along?
***
It's past 10. Dad called. The stitch in his side is worse than usual tonight. I might have to take him to the emergency room tomorrow morning. After we parted, he did a few errands and didn't get home until late. He ranted and raved about nearly slipping on the ice several times. He's frustrated that no one seems to take the pain in his side seriously. He's tired of the cold. He's sick of the dark. I think he overdid it today and his body is worn out. With a little rest tonight, he could be just fine in the morning. He could be just fine in the morning.
He's so ready to leave Alaska. I have to convince Mom it's time even though she's so comfortable here. She's afraid of change. She's been in Alaska forever. I know it's hard. I moved out of state, but it turned out to be a really good thing for me. It would be a good thing for them, too. She doesn't have to treat it like a permanent situation - she could be a snowbird and come back every summer if she wanted, with or without Dad. For the sake of his health and sanity, they have to go.
0 comments: